I always do better with categorizing so here I go again. I'll break down how I deal with NHL:

EMOTIONALLY
SOCIALLY and
PHYSICALLY

---

The bottom line is that life with Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma is what you make it ! I've survived by accepting a "can only do, what I can do, and that's all I can do" attitude that allows me to feel good about my decisions and to enjoy the understanding that comes with repeated remission. I'm proud that I said from day one that I was prepared to go ten rounds with the big guy. I survived the complexity of medical jargon, procedures, schedules, and bureaucracy and the experience of making it all work, while battling the seriousness of NHL psychological stress, that varies in all of us, like the perplexity of the disease. At first I was embarrassed and ashamed of having NHL but as time went on and my experiences grew I became proud of what I had been through. One of the hardest things for me to do was accepting that the disease needed my full attention.

I survived the many wait and see situations and hated keeping track of the size of the nodes. I never could bring myself to use a measuring devise but relied on the finger method to keep track of  the cancer (1finger -2fingers -3fingers -please no more). Getting rid of it right away to monitoring growth was a big change for me because this was really living with cancer. Throughout this time I pat myself on the back for having the insight to know that humor and exercise would be my savior through my ordeal bringing me to my present remission. I'm proud that I've been able to keep the glass is half full attitude most of the time while in remission but it is easy to fall astray, especially when something takes you off your perch. You can't help but be filled with the same old anxieties and fears, when something hits too close to home but I get back to positive quickly.

The thing I'm most proud of is that I reached out. I learnt the medical terminology at a need to know basis. I discovered others like me and I no longer felt like a lonely freak.  I used others personal experiences to enhance mine by letting them make the mistakes. I learned how to talk to others about my feelings and got rid of the tough guy image. But most of all I fell in love with the concept that "Knowledge Is Divine" because the unknown scared me more. Maintaining that attitude resulted in knowledge from today's message board (Avascular Necrosis).

---

Right from the start relationships changed and new ones were created, as people reacted differently to the news of my cancer. I was surprised who could and couldn't handle it. Those who couldn't portrayed the dark side of Cancer, the uncertainty of ignorance, and it's ominous presence in their faces, especially in the eyes and especially in the first meetings after the news. Cancer does that with society for some you become an outcast. I had one former acquaintance who wanted me to make love to her but kissing wouldn't be allowed, that mind boggling kind of mentality. I'm proud that I focus on those in the know rather than those who just go, for they will never experience life at the level that I now do because of what I've been through. Learning how to become a homebody because of treatment or living the life that remission brings (we're talking extremes - learning to live and loving to live). Overtime family members and must keep friends who had a hard time with my situation at first, were nurtured by me to understanding and I take great pride and I'm still receiving rewards from doing that.

I've been lucky to have been able to hold on to a resemblance of my formal life through the battles. Most of the time I didn't look like a cancer patient as illustrated in this email from a friend. Dave, Dave, Dave.....I just finally finished your web site on NHL, I had know idea what you went through none what so ever. I was in a daze actually speechless (I know you find that hard to believe). Once it all sank in then I couldn't stop talking about it. I couldn't read it all in one sitting as time would not allow it, but it was like a really good book that you can't put down. I 've never had a hero, Daver but I do now......if that's ok? Your site must be an inspiration to so many people. The hours of work you must have put into it, I can only imagine!!! When I finished this letter I'm calling Paul to check this out (if he can finally figure out how to turn the puter on) ...just kidding.  Dave I knew you were ill for some time but I never knew how severe, every time I asked anyone they would always say "Oh he's fine" So for years I thought it was all behind you. Especially watching you come out to the hockey tourney's and play so well, your the picture of health as I've always seen you. Sorry now I didn't get to talk to you much at this past weekend tournament. I also didn't have the knowledge of your dads illness, I'm really sorry about that.... Well Dave HAT'S OFF TO YOU...... BRAVO TO A JOB WELL DONE KEEP UP THE FIGHT....YOU CAN AND WILL WIN ALL ROUNDS........ LOVE  your friend always    Marilyn

KNOWLEDGE IS DIVINE TO THOSE WHO MUST KNOW
AND APPRECIATE KNOWING FOR THEY CAN GIVE ME STRENGTH

---

There may be pain. Pride forces you to be strong to push on with the hope that it will go away but it only seems to get stronger and it takes over your life, engulfing you in it's suffocating state and if you've been there you understand. I'm proud that I survived that wrath. Each of us reacts differently to treatment so find something that works best for you to work against pain (the popsicle became my best friend and together we froze the beast). Personal medicine is your ability to take care of yourself  and it becomes your chief objective (especially during recovery). Sometimes you need to adapt or do what you need to do to speed up the healing process.

Exercise (helps slow down the aging process) and having been an athlete have gone a long way in providing me with well being. For example the lengthy time with a sore back (growth in the spine) meant I was losing what I thought was my saviour through this whole ordeal, the ability to workout and get rid of my stress. It was easy to think of my situation and go those extra laps. I had lost even that and at the time it was a  major, major, major blow !!!!. I was testy back then mainly because of this and the lost of my athletic identity. I'm saluting myself for battling on to the enjoyment of partaking once again.

---

I've given you alot of reasons for why I am NHL PROUD but one thing I'm realizing more and more each day is that life is living and appreciating your fundamental ability to survive (the joy of remission and especially repeated remission). Technology is progressing so fast and my flame of hope grows brighter each day as new means of treating the disease are tested and approved and the news of more and more success stories find my ears (definite strength giver). As my remission grows longer the future seems even more promising and I'm starting to believe I may have one. I'm learning to deal with NHL and not suffer from it.

My cancer has the potential to deliver the final blow, and inflict damage along the way by pronouncing the effects of everything I do (it can take over my life literally). I respect that. It's not my fault that I have NHL but one thing is for sure, it takes a very special person to press on under these circumstances and I'm proud I realized this early. They told me that "those who can handle tough situations and adversity are the ones who are faced with it" and once I accepted this I didn't react so defensively. I had to learn how to feel good about myself for it aided and aids in the healing and maintaining good health process. I learnt how to accept STRENGTH GIVERS (the adrenaline of feeling good about yourself) from others and their understanding of what I was going through. I Believed - I Harnessed - I Healed (that's the power). Listen to what others are saying, feel good about yourself and harness those feelings towards your will to move on.

Today I am NHL PROUD. I've reached short term and long term goals and when I was first diagnosed nothing was there for me to believe that the long term goals could be reached, but I live on. It's also reassuring to personally note that I've grown out of the " you're so young " pet peeve that brought instant frustration in earlier years. I'm finally coming to the realization that there is life after NHL and I'm losing that LIMBO feeling as I become

NHL PROUD

and so are you if you read this far !