Adoption

Children Chosen...............
..................Children Lost

Do you know who your "real" parents are? For most of us, they are the people who have loved us from the first moment they knew of our existence. Our real parents have cherished our infant milestones, cuddled us through bouts of colic, nursed us through childhood illnesses and rejoiced in our youthful accomplishments. They have survived our adolescence and have guided us, with great relief, to adulthood. My real, true parents are no different than most other parents. But for as long as I can remember, there have been those who would say that they're not my real parents. Why? Because I was adopted.

In some constituencies, adoption records are now accessible to all members of the adoption relationship, while in others the secrecy still persists. Adopted adults are often faced with discrimination, the assumption being that they require "protection". This argument may be valid in the case of children. But access, even to non identifying information, is often denied to adults whose adoptive parents refuse to give their consent. Even a seventy year old whose ninety-five year old parent refuses permission may be denied information.

One thing about being an adopted person does frustrate me. This dilemma does not stem from any conflict of loyalty toward my adoptive or my birth parents but from media reports and conversations where birth parents are described as "real" or "true" parents. Perhaps this is just a question of semantics, but I seriously doubt that many adult adoptees refer to their biological parents as their "real" parents. Our biological make-up, whether or not we are adopted, is accidental in any case, but our familial relationships are not. They are based upon commitment and unconditional love, not only from those who choose to become our parents, but from the vast treasury of siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who accept with open arms and hearts, and who respect us for the individuals we are!

When I was thirty-five years old, I learned that my birth parents were searching for me. Our reunion was an overwhelming emotional experience from which I am still recovering. For my real parents, the experience was frightening and potentially devastating. We shed many tears, but they were able to understand and accept my need to know. All that most adoptees want is to know where they came from, not because they are dissatisfied with their families or their upbringing, but because the lack of background information represents a significant missing part of their life history. Usually only their birth parents or families can answer their questions. And the answers to these questions merely provide what most people have been able to take for granted all their lives.

I have established a solid, honest relationship with my birth parents with the understanding that, although they have searched for and found their long lost daughter, I have not found my real parents. Mine were never lost. They are the same loving parents I have known since I was six weeks old. They will always be my real parents and I will always be their real daughter.*